Oxymoronic trends and where to find them

One of these days, a team at General Motors is likely to sit down and design a "four door coupe." This strange moniker is used to denote a sedan with a low roof and a cramped, 2 + 2 seating arrangement. A stylish but impractical car, in other words. The Mercedes CLS gave rise to this fad. Volkswagen has followed lead, Audi is about to, BMW was going to, and Hyundai is working on it. The Big Three, strangely, haven't yet tried their luck in the four door coupe segment. Which takes me back to GM.

When the Yankee 2 + 2 family-luxo-midsized-sport sedan finally does come along, the trend will have passed. But the said car will come, eventually. I don't doubt this at all. It will, likely, however, be disappointing and dull. Mercedes was a trailblazer with the CLS. GM will simply follow the lead of the Europeans. Rather than using say, the Zeta platform, or the Epsilon II to underpin its four door coupe, GM will probably take a car like the Impala or the Cadillac STS, squash the roof a little, throw some 20" rims on, and put it on the market as a new product. I'm not saying it has to happen this way. I'm simply basing my prediction on what's come out of Detroit in the past. If GM wants to build a four door coupe, they'll have to design it from the ground up. The CLS doesn't share any explicitly visible body panels with, say, the E-Class. Similarly, an American CLS sold under the Chevy or Cadillac name just wouldn't fly if it had, let's say, the doors from a Malibu, the hood and front quarter panels from an STS, a trunk lid from the Buick Lucerne, and an instrument panel ripped off of a Grand Prix. These aren't necessarily bad cars, but parting them out to make a new model, especially a new model that would likely be marketed as a premium product, seems, to me, ridiculous.

Now, if I were a product guru at GM, I know how I would develop this new car. I would use the Zeta platform to underpin the four door coupe, but that's where the similarity with the G8 would end. The engine wouldn't be a V8, it would be a modern V6 or I6, or maybe even an inline 4. The body panels would be similar to those found on the CLS and the Volkswagen Passat CC, but they would be different enough that, at a distance, the car could be recognized as a GM product. The interior of a four door coupe is cramped, so comfort and quality would be of utmost importance. No hard plastic panels or faux brushed aluminum accents would find their way into this cockpit. Soft leather with metallic and polished wood accents would make any prospective buyer feel like he or she were in a Bentley. Outside, there would be no fake ram-air vents and no ridiculous plastic body cladding. GM wouldn't call the car a "5-Series killer." They would call it a Chevrolet, and it would compete with the Camry or the Avalon. GM needs to aim high if they are to build a segment leading midsized car. They also need to set themselves apart. Four door coupes are impractical, but they do attract the attention of the fashion-tuned buyer.

Of course, none of this will ever happen. Under government ownership, GM will sell Daewoos and encourage everyone to "Buy American." Oh, what a contradictory world it is in which we live.